


every morning (there are mountains to climb)

by soobun



Series: the world, us two [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, everyone say thank you kang taehyun for dealing with these two and also just for existing, not particularly heavy but i did get angstier than anticipated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobun/pseuds/soobun
Summary: “You’d think with how close you two are capable of sleeping next to each other, there’d be enough room on the couch for three people? Guess that doesn’t matter when the two people involved are over 180 centimeters, huh?” Beomgyu says with his particular brand of disdain. It must be hard being short, but Soobin has his problems too.Or: A week during blue hour promotions. Kai and Soobin are scared, but they get there in the end.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Series: the world, us two [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060121
Comments: 39
Kudos: 179





	every morning (there are mountains to climb)

**Author's Note:**

> title from realiti by grimes, but specifically [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Isjd27gJU) cover. i can't recommend it highly enough.
> 
> please enjoy!

Soobin has always liked M Countdown the most. He can’t say that anymore, not with the whole New Rising Star MC of KBS Music Bank thing, but he’s always loved the comeback shows, the fancy stage props, the fun VCRs. 

He likes M Countdown, but he likes this the best. 

Him and Kai have hoarded the snacks everyone brought with them for the long hours in the waiting room. Kai’s pockets are overflowing with gummy worms, and it’s suddenly the funniest thing Soobin’s ever seen, Kai struggling to hold his pants up while they speedwalk down the linoleum, to the dressing room at the end of the hallway that’s always empty. 

They’re here filming for their comeback show, a horrendously early morning that now feels like a blessing with how empty the building is. Hearing Kai’s laugh bounce off the walls fills Soobin with a lightness that makes him feel like he’s been pumped full of helium. 

They reach the dressing room and Kai promptly upturns his pockets, the plastic bags dropping to the floor one by one. 

“Ah!! Why were you laughing so much?! I almost tripped!” Kai says, sitting on the floor surrounded by his children. He immediately opens one of the bags and pops a worm into his mouth.

“I would have filmed you if my hands weren’t also full,” Soobin says, dropping his snacks to the floor, too. “The way you were waddling! Whoever decided that your official animal would be a penguin really was onto something!” 

Kai pouts, the pink half of the gummy resting on his lower lip. His eyes are bright with mirth. “I think it’s a good thing you didn’t film it,” he says, chewing, “Mnet probably wouldn’t like knowing their dressing rooms are being used for illicit reasons.” 

“Illicit reasons?” Soobin says, smirking. “What exactly were you planning on getting up to in here?” 

Kai blinks, and then his eyes widen. “Ah, I didn’t—“

Soobin laughs so hard he falls backwards, almost hitting his head on the wall. “Hueningie, so innocent~!” 

Kai’s cheeks are flushed when he opens his eyes again. “Shut up, hyung,” he says, grabbing another worm from the bag. 

Soobin makes a pleased noise. “Don’t worry, I won’t let anyone ruin your virtue.” Soobin wants to change the topic, for his own sake, but he can’t help it when Kai looks so cute all red. 

Kai is pouting again, and he looks like he wants to say something else, has on that frustrated face he used to wear a lot during their trainee days. When he doesn’t say anything for the next few beats, Soobin takes it upon himself to wipe that look off his face. 

“How long do you think it’ll take Yeonjun to notice I stole the chips he’s been saving for today?” Soobin grabs the bag he hid in his inside jacket pocket and waves it in Kai’s face. Soobin isn’t planning on eating them, but he took them because he knows Yeonjun’s reaction will be hilarious, and also because Kai always says—

“Hyung!! You know if Yeonjun-hyung tries to murder you for that, I won’t be taking your side!” 

But with the way Kai’s smiling at him, and the light in his eyes, he knows he doesn’t mean it.

-

Yeonjun does try to murder him, actually, and so does the hairstylist who had been trying to find them for twenty minutes. Soobin lets himself be scolded, but he keeps looking over to where Kai’s giggling in the corner, and the joy in his expression has Soobin floating for the rest of the day.

-

It’s Friday, and they’re in the Music Bank dressing room, again.

“Scoot over,” Soobin hears through the fog of sleep, and it sounds like Beomgyu, so he can ignore it and pretend to still be unconscious. He hears Beomgyu sigh and suddenly his legs are being shoved off the couch. 

“Hey,” Soobin says blearily, rising from his makeshift pillow of Kai’s waist. He glances over and sees that Kai is blinking rapidly, making that funny-looking pout he always gets when he wakes up. Cute. 

“You’d think with how close you two are capable of sleeping next to each other, there’d be enough room on the couch for three people? Guess that doesn’t matter when the two people involved are over 180 centimeters, huh?” Beomgyu says with his particular brand of disdain. It must be hard being short, but Soobin has his problems too. 

“He’s just jealous that he doesn’t have such a cute pillow, right, Hueningie?” Soobin looks over to see Kai looking right back at him, one of his more indecipherable expressions on his face. Soobin misses the days when every one of Kai’s expressions was written huge and easy-to-read on his face. Soobin wonders, not for the first time, how easy-to-read he himself is.

“Right,” Kai says, tinged with aegyo as always, but Soobin can tell that his heart’s not in it. Is he just tired from being woken up? Kai is a professional, so he knows he’ll be on and camera-ready for their pre-stage interview in an hour, but Soobin can’t help but wish he was able to get a little more sleep. Soobin also thinks about the way they stayed up way too late playing mobile games in the living room, laying in a position very similar to this, but promptly pushes it away and doesn’t feel guilty. That was bonding time, and the smile Kai had on his face when he was beating Soobin embarrassingly thoroughly was surely worth the lost sleep, right?

“You guys are so weird,” Beomgyu says, stretching his legs out into the space Soobin vacated, “sometimes I think it’s just for the cameras, but then we get back to the dorm and it’s exactly the same.” 

Soobin tries not to flinch at Beomgyu’s phrasing, because he knows he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. He still can’t hide it. 

Kai must notice--his brows furrow slightly and the arm that was resting casually behind his back comes up to grip his waist. Kai looks vacant sometimes, but he notices all the little things. All of Soobin’s little things, at least, and that’s a dangerous thought. 

“Hmm,” Soobin says, “like I said, jealous.” 

“As if,” Beomgyu says, already engrossed in his phone. 

-

Soobin likes his job as an MC. He was unbearably nervous at first, and the compilation videos of his mistakes used to keep him up at night. He’s gotten better, though, and he’s happy to have Yewon by his side. 

He’s called to go pre-record the rest of the MC segments after TXT’s individual interview. Soobin is squashed between Kai and Beomgyu again on the couch they’ve claimed when the PD pops his head in.

“Soobin-ssi! You’re up next. Wouldn’t want to keep Arin-ssi waiting, would you?” the PD says, winking. He’s obviously joking, trying to build a sense of camaraderie. The feeling of Kai stiffening next to him makes Soobin wish he hadn’t tried. 

_“Wouldn’t want to keep Arin-ssi waiting, would you?”_ Soobin hears Yeonjun imitate across the room, through the laughter of the staff who are paying attention. 

Soobin would snap, or even just glare at Yeonjun if they were alone, but the presence of the PD makes him shove it down and force a smile. 

“Definitely not,” Soobin says, letting the PD lead him away. He turns around to catch one last glance of Kai, but his head is down, and he can’t see any expression at all. 

-

Late that night, Soobin lies awake in bed. Kai and Taehyun’s room is right down the hall, and they always keep their door closed. The hinges are old, and Soobin can easily hear when the door creaks open. Usually this means that Kai is about to shuffle the 10 steps to Soobin and Beomgyu’s room, peek into the crack they always leave the door open because Beomgyu hates sleeping in pitch black, and smile at Soobin, teeth glinting in the dark. 

Soobin prepares himself, unplugging his phone from the charger and tilting his head so that Kai will see him when he peeks his head in. He listens for Kai’s distinct shuffle, and he hears him get right up to the door before the steps retreat and the bathroom door creaks open instead. Weird, but not inconceivable. Maybe Kai had to pee. 

He waits, but no flush ever comes. No creaking of the bathroom door, either. Soobin checks his phone--it’s been close to ten minutes. He sighs and sits up, resigning himself to go check on Kai. Leaderly duties, right? 

The bathroom door is completely closed. Soobin knocks. Kai makes a high-pitched noise of shock and stammers out, “Just a minute!” 

“It’s just me,” Soobin says, voice pitched lower than usual. 

After a moment--”You can come in,” Kai says, and he sounds slightly out of breath.

Soobin opens the door to see Kai sitting on the floor, legs akimbo and staring at the cupboard under the sink, where Yeonjun keeps his hidden stash of good alcohol that he doesn’t know everyone knows about. He looks…distressed, and that’s never been a good look on him. He doesn’t see it often.

Soobin immediately crouches to sit next to Kai on the cold tile. The room smells like the shampoo they all share. “What’s going on?” Soobin asks.

Kai takes a deep inhale before answering. “I’m just stressed out,” he says, not looking at Soobin. “Thinking about stuff.”

“Promotion stuff?” Soobin asks. He wouldn’t trade his job for the world, but he knows the way it weighs down on you. The pressure is the heaviest weight he’s felt in his life.

“Partly,” Kai says, almost whispering. He’s still staring at the damn cupboard. 

“What else?” Soobin takes this opportunity to stare at the lines of Kai’s face. He wasn’t lying when he said it’s a face like he’s never seen before. He looks at it every day, and he still feels the same. 

“It was just a difficult day, hyung,” Kai says, slipping into extra formal Korean the way he does when he feels unsure. “I’ll get over it.”

It’s times like this when Soobin feels most useless as a leader. He knows that Kai usually goes to Taehyun when he needs reassurance. Soobin, lately, has been doing the same. Soobin and Kai’s relationship has been characterized by joyfulness; he doesn’t know what to do with this Kai, who won’t meet his eyes or tell him what he’s actually feeling. 

“You know I’m always here for you, right?” Soobin says, shifting forward so that he’s leaning against the cupboard instead of the wall next to Kai. The knob is digging into his vertebrae, but Kai finally looks up and meets his eyes, and ah, there we go. He puts his socked feet on either side of Kai’s and presses them together. “You can tell me anything.” Soobin feels a little bad telling Kai this, knowing that Soobin himself is keeping things from Kai, but that’s different. Soobin is doing that for the good of the group, for his integrity as hyung and leader.

Or maybe he’s doing it because he’s scared. Close enough.

“I…” Kai starts, and there must be something in Soobin’s expression that spurs him on, because he continues, “I think…”

And then there’s a knock on the door. They both jump.

“Who’s in there?” Taehyun says, “I feel like my bladder’s about to explode.” 

Kai’s not looking at him again. Soobin speaks up: “We were just leaving. Don’t pee your pants, Kang Taehyun.”

Taehyun opens the door and makes a weird noise. “Eh? What were you two doing in here? Wanted a change of scenery from the living room floor?” 

“You caught us,” Soobin says, rising from the floor. He reaches a hand down to help Kai up, and Kai glances at him quickly before grabbing on. With how close they’re standing together, Soobin once again has the unwelcome reminder of how tall Kai is getting, not to mention how broad. He shakes the thought away.

When Soobin looks up again, he finds Taehyun staring at Kai, an unreadable expression on his face. Soobin frowns, wanting to dispel the tension. “Time for the maknaes to go to bed! Hurry up, Taehyun, and make sure Hueningie gets his eight hours!” Soobin says. 

Kai looks pensive, the way he always does lately when Soobin pushes the maknae thing extra hard.

“You know as well as I do that we have to be up in five, hyung,” Taehyun says, gathering his wits and pushing Soobin and Kai out so that he can close the door. 

Kai gives Soobin a quick, small thing of a smile before turning and walking back to his room. Soobin blinks at his retreating back and turns around, as well. Once he’s back in bed, he tries not to think about what Kai had wanted to tell him. Anything that would put that pensive, unsure expression on Kai’s face couldn’t be anything good. 

Beomgyu’s a silent sleeper, but Soobin spends all night wishing he could hear the soft sighs and snuffles of Kai burying his face into the pillow next to Soobin’s head. 

-

The thing is, Soobin isn’t an idiot. 

He’s been tiptoeing around the realization that he sees Kai as something other than his dongsaeng, his best friend, for the better part of the year. Always in the back of his head, rarely explicitly acknowledged, but always there nonetheless. You don’t get far in this profession without being at least a little self-aware. The way to get even further, though, is knowing how to push the awareness away. A little repression never hurt anyone, right? 

And it really is fine, most of the time. But things have been a little different lately, and yesterday was a microcosm of the larger issue. Soobin thinks it mainly started when his MCing began in earnest, when Yeonjun took it upon himself to tease Soobin about Yewon at every opportunity, and Kai... 

Well.

It’s obvious that Kai doesn’t like it, but he never speaks up about it either. Maybe he can tell Soobin gets uncomfortable, too, and he’s just commiserating. Kai being uncomfortable for another reason is another one of those dangerous thoughts that Soobin doesn’t let himself think about. 

It’s not worth it, the impact that Soobin being honest about his feelings could have on the band. He would never want to make one of the other members uncomfortable, god forbid Kai himself. Soobin has a responsibility to the team. He would never forgive himself for fucking that up. 

-

The next morning finds Yeonjun and Soobin alone in the kitchen. Soobin, usually being one of the latest to wake up, almost doesn’t know what to do with himself, having all this free time. He’s been ready to go for fifteen minutes, and they’ve still got another half an hour before they have to leave for Music Core. Soobin wasn’t able to get much sleep last night, obviously. 

Yeonjun raises an eyebrow as he walks towards where they keep the coffee. “How are you already presentable? Did you even sleep?” Yeonjun says. 

Soobin rests his head on his folded arms on the table. “Slept enough,” he says, “I won’t mess up the choreo if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Wow, excuse me for trying to care about how you’re feeling, Soobin-ah!” Yeonjun says, waiting for the coffee machine to beep at him. “Jeez, you really must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed.”

Soobin sighs. “I’m really fine,” he says. 

“Hmm, could it be that you snuck out of the dorm last night? I did hear some more noise than usual in the hallway. Taehyun catch you?” Yeonjun asks. Taehyun is renowned for being able to wake up at the drop of a pin. “Going out to see _Arin-ssi_?” He smiles his wolf’s grin.

“I wish you’d stop doing that,” Soobin says, the words slipping out before he can catch them. Ah, he really must be tired. 

Yeonjun raises an eyebrow, again. It says something about his mood that even that is bothering him. “Does it make you uncomfortable, Soobinie? It’s okay, we all have needs.” 

Soobin clenches his jaw and turns his head so that he’s face-down to the table. If only Yeonjun knew what his “needs” actually revolved around. Would he be grossed out? Would he be accepting? He wants to reply, wants to tell him the truth, but knows that he shouldnt. Can’t, really, with the way his throat is all closed up. He makes an unintelligible noise. 

“You suffocating yourself in there?” Yeonjun asks. Soobin wishes. 

The coffee machine dings. Yeonjun makes his cup and sits down next to Soobin. 

“If you ever want to tell me what’s actually going on, I’ll be here,” Yeonjun says. The conversation is so reminiscent of his with Kai in the bathroom that Soobin almost laughs. He wonders what sort of secrets Kai keeps behind clenched teeth, and especially wonders which one almost escaped into the air between them last night. 

Soobin makes another soft noise, and Yeonjun pats him on the back. 

“Sometimes I’m glad I’m not the leader,” Yeonjun says.

-

Half an hour later, they’re in the car. Yeonjun has his phone plugged into the aux and the entire car is rumbling with bass, shaking so much that Soobin almost doesn’t feel his phone vibrate. 

**Yewon-noona**  
great job yesterday!! I was watching our clips with Jiho unnie and she always mentions how she wants to poke your dimples ㅋㅋㅋ ^^

Soobin is so distracted that he doesn’t notice Beomgyu stretching over the middle seat and reading over his shoulder. 

“No fair!” Beomgyu whines, “Why does Soobin get two noonas fawning over him!?” 

“The life of a KBS superstar,” Taehyun says, barely paying attention. 

Soobin pointedly does not mention the fact that Yewon told him about Jiho and Mihyun’s relationship a few days ago. Mainly because he’s still shocked that she was comfortable enough to tell him, and that Jiho and Mihyun were comfortable themselves to tell the whole group. Yewon seemed happy for them, though, and Soobin was happy to hear about it, despite his own anxiety surrounding the topic. Soobin’s getting lost in his thoughts again. Is Beomgyu saying something?

“--just think that Soobin could act a little happier about all this attention!” 

Kai mumbles something from where he’s sitting next to Taehyun. 

“Huh?” Beomgyu says.

“I said to leave him alone,” Kai says, barely audibly. Soobin’s heart does something embarrassing in his chest. It’s not that Kai never stands up for him, but more often than not, their positions are reversed. Kai doing this, even at a whisper, reminds Soobin that Kai isn’t as passive as he seems, or even as he used to be. He stands up for the things he cares about, and Soobin being uncomfortable is one of them. He remembers Kai’s arm around his waist in the waiting room yesterday, and shivers. 

Beomgyu’s eyes get huge. He looks like he’s trying not to smile. Kai’s still looking down at his phone in the seat in front, but Soobin can see that his game is paused. 

“Cute,” Beomgyu mouths at him, putting his headphones back in. Yeonjun changes the song to something even louder, and no one says anything else. 

-

Soobin is sitting by himself in the corner after their pre-recording. He finally responds to Yewon’s text, a quick “ㅋㅋ thanks noona, you too!” before turning his phone back off. He watches Yeonjun get his hair fixed across the room, Beomgyu and Taehyun arguing about something or other while they eat lunch. He scans the room again, but still he doesn’t see Kai. 

“I’ll be right back,” Soobin says to no one in particular, sliding the door open and slipping out. He walks down the hallway, awkwardly passing and bowing to that new Starship boy group before he reaches the bathroom. He opens the door and sees Kai bent over one of the sinks, the water running for no reason. 

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” Soobin tries to joke, but it falls flat as Kai whips his head up to stare at him.

Soobin glances at the stalls to make sure they’re the only ones in the room. Once he sees all the doors are hanging open, he takes a few steps closer until he’s only an arm’s length away from Kai. Kai turns around so that his back is resting against the front of the sink. He always looks so nervous, these days, when it’s just the two of them. Soobin wants to make him feel better. 

“Thanks for that, by the way,” Soobin says. “In the car,” he adds, when Kai doesn’t respond. 

“Oh,” Kai says, “it was nothing.”

“Felt like something to me,” Soobin says, “coming to my rescue like that. Trying to be hyung’s knight in shining armor?”

Kai’s eyes get wide, and Soobin notices that Kai has his hands resting on the sink behind him. Soobin does something stupid, and puts his hands on the porcelain right next to his, not touching but almost. When did they get so close? And why has Kai gotten so tall? Soobin doesn’t even have to duck his head to look into Kai’s eyes anymore. And if he took another step closer, he wouldn’t even have to duck to--

“Can I--” Kai starts, and his eyes have hundreds of stories written in them. Soobin could barely get his lyrics approved for the new album, but he could write hundreds of songs about Kai’s eyes. Kai moves his right hand so that it’s gripping Soobin’s wrist. His fingers are so cold, and maybe it’s that, or the fact that they’re in a _public bathroom_ and the he can still hear the Starship group outside that has Soobin stepping back, heart racing. 

Kai’s eyes shutter, and he’s immediately sorry, but he’d be sorrier if he hadn’t. What if someone walked in? Or worse, what if he was reading things all wrong and Kai pushed him away? 

“I’m--” Soobin says.

“I know,” Kai says, “it’s okay. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorr--” Soobin doesn’t get to finish asking, because Kai is shooting out of the bathroom, the door swinging behind him. The faucet is still on, but Soobin can barely hear it over the ringing in his ears. 

-

Again, Soobin isn’t an idiot. He isn’t oblivious, even though his life would probably be easier if he was. He sees the way Kai looks at him sometimes. On camera, rarely, in the dorms, sometimes, in those moments where they’re bundled up together in the early hours of the morning, often. Soobin knows he looks at Kai the same way. He even does it more often on camera than Kai does, embarrassingly. 

The problem is that it doesn’t matter. Soobin wants things, everyone wants things, but he also knows what he wants more. He wants to be a good leader, and he wants to be a good idol. 

He knows the way the fans see them, knows what their relationship is supposed to look like. He even clicked on one of their compilation videos, in one of his weaker moments. It’s been months, but he still remembers reading the comments. “Soobin is definitely going to cry when he’s the best man at Kai’s wedding.” Worse: “Looks like Huening Kai finally found himself a real brother!!” God. 

Sometimes he wonders, _what if?_ But even so, he already has more than he deserves. Kai looking like he wanted nothing more than to kiss him in an MBC bathroom is a roadbump, for sure, and if he couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, well. He’s only human. 

-

It’s Taehyun who corners him while everyone’s getting ready for bed. He should probably be more surprised when he asks him to take a walk around the block with him, like they always do when they want to have a somewhat serious conversation. Taehyun’s always been too observant for his own good.

“After you, hyung,” Taehyun says, mock deferentially, holding the door open for him. 

“Wow, I could get used to this,” Soobin laughs.

“Don’t,” Taehyun says, zipping up his hoodie. 

Soobin laughs again. He knows he gets cold easily, but it feels even worse tonight. He blows on his hands and rubs them together to help his circulation. “So, to what do I owe the honor of this late night walk?” 

“You definitely already know,” Taehyun says, “you do a good job of hiding it, but you’re not as much of an airhead as people think.” 

Soobin blinks. “Are you complimenting my intelligence?” 

“Not really,” Taehyun says. “If you were smarter, you wouldn’t be stringing Kai along like this.”

Is it always this cold in November? Soobin can’t feel his fingers. He blows on them again.

Taehyun looks at him sideways. The whites of his eyes look extra bright in the dark. “Nothing to say?”

“I don’t know what you want to hear,” Soobin says quietly. After a moment: “Did he tell you something?”

“Not in so many words,” Taehyun says. “He told me he didn’t like girls, once. That plus the way you two act around each other, well. It’s not rocket science.” 

Soobin is so shocked that he doesn’t think before he replies, “He told you that?” 

Taehyun makes a noise of surprise. “He...hasn’t told you? Shit, I always assumed, or else I wouldn’t have said anything.” Taehyun suddenly looks contrite. “You two have been best friends for so long, I always thought…”

“Thought what?” Soobin whispers.

“That you knew he liked you, and were either ignoring it or trying to let him down easy. I assumed you didn’t see him that way, until recently, at least.” 

There’s so many possible replies knocking against each other in Soobin’s brain that he doesn’t choose until they reach the next sidewalk. Before he can get it out, though, the crossing light changes and Taehyun continues: “And then all this business with Arin-sunbaenim. I couldn’t tell if your reactions were you being embarrassed or pissed off. Not to mention the way Kai shuts down every time.” 

They walk a few steps in silence.

“I’m not,” Soobin manages to get out. “Interested.” 

“In Arin?” Taehyun asks. A beat passes. “Or Kai?” 

Soobin bites his lip. His mouth is dry, and his lungs are burning with the cold air. 

“In Arin,” Soobin breathes. He can tell Taehyun is waiting for him to respond to the second half of his question, but he won’t. Can’t. 

“Well,” Taehyun says after a moment, “maybe you should tell that to Yeonjun and Beomgyu. Though they’ll probably keep doing it anyway to annoy you.” 

“Probably,” Soobin mutters, relieved that Taehyun let his line of questioning go. 

“Do you want to stop by the convenience store? We can get the ice cream you’re definitely not supposed to eat during promotions.” A peace offering. 

“Is that even a question?” Soobin replies, despite his stomach being so tied up in knots he’s not even sure he’ll be able to keep it down. 

They get their ice cream. Soobin doesn’t feel bad at all about eating it after the day he’s had. They talk about inconsequential things until they reach the dorm.

Before they reach the door, Taehyun speaks up again. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, hyung. I shouldn’t have even told you that about Kai--I just couldn’t imagine that he would tell me and not you.” 

Soobin’s not happy about it either, but he guesses there’s more than expected that they’re both not telling each other. Soobin stays quiet. Taehyun continues.

“It just sucks seeing Kai like this, you know? He’s always so--” 

“Of course I _know_ ,” Soobin says, the words rushing out of him, “do you think I’m _happy_ seeing him like this? It’s like I’m the only one thinking about the _consequences_ \--” 

Taehyun’s eyes are wide with shock, but then they sadden with understanding. He leans against the side of the door and considers. The trees are rustling in the distance.

“I can’t tell you what to do, and I can’t lie and tell you I completely understand your situation. I just think...in five years from now, when you look back, what will you regret the most? The chance of this affecting the group, when you know you’re both way too professional for that? Or losing your chance at,” Taehyun makes a weird face and waves his hand around, “the love of your life or whatever?” 

“Thats…” Soobin laughs around his nerves, “probably an exaggeration, no?” 

“I don’t know,” Taehyun says, “do you think so?”

Soobin isn’t sure. That’s what scares him most of all. 

-

The lights are all off by the time they get home. Were they really gone for that long? Taehyun looks at him like he wants to say something else, but he merely purses his lips and nods at him before retreating to his room. _I really don’t deserve a friend like Taehyun_ , Soobin thinks, going to the bathroom to wash up. 

Flicking the light on, Soobin squeezes his eyes shut as they adjust to the brightness. _Jesus_ , he thinks, turning the cold water on and washing his face blindly. When he can finally open his eyes again, Soobin leans forward to look at his face in the mirror. His undereye bags are always prominent, especially without makeup, but today they look insane. He pokes his right eye with a finger and frowns. The water is still running, and he has to forcibly drag his thoughts away from his moment with Kai at the broadcasting station.

They haven’t spoken to each other at all since this morning. Beomgyu brought up the text Soobin received from Yewon on their way back to the dorm, and Soobin barely remembers what joke Yeonjun made in response. He was too busy staring at Kai, leaning against the window with his headphones in. Soobin thought he was sleeping at first, until he leaned forward in his seat and caught a glimpse of Kai’s fist clenching and unclenching on his thigh. 

On the way out of the car, Kai tried to catch his eye. He even made a little noise to try to get his attention. Soobin felt horrible--he’s never seriously tried to ignore Kai, didn’t even think it was possible for him to. He pretended to be engrossed in his phone and went inside. He stuck to Yeonjun while they ate until Taehyun dragged him outside. 

Soobin closes his eyes around his ache. 

_There’s so much I wish I could tell you_ , Soobin thought, and thinks again, now, his own fist clenching against the sink.

He turns the faucet off and goes to bed. 

-

Somehow, Soobin sleeps like the dead. He thinks his brain was probably firing thoughts at such a rapid rate that it decided to shut down instead of processing any of them. That, plus the previous night’s tossing and turning, obviously. He smacks his phone to turn the alarm off, and his back cracks as he sits up and stretches. 

Inkigayo today, then their one blessed day of rest tomorrow. He can’t wait to sleep for 12 hours straight. 

Beomgyu is sitting on his bed staring into space when Soobin looks over. 

“You good over there?” Soobin asks, voice rasping.

Beomgyu’s eyes dart over to meet his. “Looking past the fact that I’m awake at,” he checks his phone, “6:03 in the morning, sure, I’m good.” 

Soobin makes a noise of commiseration. 

“I got a new high score last night while you were gone, though,” Beomgyu says, sighing as he gets up and goes to sit on Soobin’s bed. 

Soobin’s been beating Beomgyu for the past week. This is unacceptable. He takes Beomgyu’s phone and opens the app, gaping at the number. Beomgyu looks so triumphant. He has to do something.

“Doesn’t all the data get removed if you delete the app?” Soobin asks innocently.

“Huh?!” Beomgyu suddenly sounds at least seventy percent more awake. “You demon! Give me that back!” He makes grabby hands for his phone.

Soobin laughs freely for the first time in days, leaning back against the pillows and holding the phone above his head. Beomgyu digs his knee into Soobin’s thigh as he reaches up to try and grab it. 

“Ow!!” Soobin says, “you have the boniest knees I’ve ever seen, get off me!” 

“Then give me my phone back!” 

They go back and forth for a while. Beomgyu may be scrappy, but he can’t compete with Soobin’s superior limb length.

They must be making a lot of noise, because Kai, usually the latest to rise, peeks his head in the door. He’s blinking rapidly as he always does after waking up, but his pout is more pronounced than usual. Soobin is thinking about what that could mean when he registers his position, with Beomgyu straddling his waist on the bed. 

Beomgyu takes advantage of Soobin’s distraction to save his phone from imminent disaster, making a pleased “ha!” sound. He looks confused for a moment before he follows Soobin’s gaze, turns around and sees Kai. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to intrude on property that’s already been claimed~” Beomgyu says, looking at Kai, still laughing a little. Soobin is reminded of Kai’s wish for that dumb drama they filmed for Studio K, where he looked shyly at Soobin and said _Huening baragi_ , someone who only looks at me. 

Soobin had been so pleased, so secretly prideful that Kai had wanted Soobin all to himself, even under the guise of a drama filming. Those were simpler times, when his feelings were so abstract that he would never consider acting on them. It all feels a little too real, now. 

Beomgyu can probably feel the tension, when a few months ago Kai would have joined them on the bed and laughed and laughed. He shrugs, probably getting up to go bother Yeonjun in the kitchen. 

And then it’s just the two of them.

“So it’s just me,” Kai says, still loitering in the doorway. 

“What’s just you?” Soobin asks, sitting up and fixing his hair so that he doesn’t have to look at Kai’s sad, sad eyes. 

“Just me that you won’t look at,” Kai says, “or touch.”

Soobin wants to tell him the truth, which is that he’d move mountains to be able to touch Kai, or to look at him the way he wants to. But mountains can’t be moved. And so here they are, at six in the morning with Kai’s hand shaking on the doorframe. 

It’s too early for this, and the others are just down the hall besides. 

“Can we talk about this later?” Soobin asks, or really, pleads. “Tonight. After the recording.” 

If anything, this just makes Kai look more nervous. Soobin still won’t meet his eyes, but he can see his knuckles whiten where he grips the door. 

“Okay,” he says. Soobin doesn’t know what to make of his tone. But before he can say anything else, Kai’s gone.

-

Soobin is distracted for the rest of the day. They safely get through their recording, but he can tell the other members are starting to notice something. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Beomgyu asks while they’re getting drinks at the vending machine. 

“Not sure what you mean,” Soobin says, pressing his drink option with a little more force than necessary. 

“Yeah right,” Beomgyu snorts, “I guess you don’t know why Kai looked like he saw a ghost when he walked into our room this morning, then?”

“I’ve always thought the dorm was a little haunted,” Soobin says.

“God, you’re annoying,” Beomgyu says, “just tell the kid that I’m not planning on stealing his precious hyung, okay?”

Soobin doesn’t think about the implications of that. He feeds his won to the machine.

“And, um,” Beomgyu continues, looking uncomfortable, “if you want us to give it a rest about Arin-ssi, you can just say so.” He looks constipated. “I was talking to Yeonjun-hyung last night, and…” 

Has Soobin’s discomfort become that bad, that obvious? Is it normal to respond to friendly teasing like that? Beomgyu’s oblivious at the best of times, but if he’s noticed...

“Gossiping about me?” Soobin asks flippantly, bending down to grab the drinks. 

“You’re not _that_ interesting, hyung.” Beomgyu still looks uncomfortable. “I was just thinking, well, if it was me…”

Soobin furrows his eyebrows. “If it was you?” 

“Ah, nevermind,” Beomgyu says, shaking his head, “just, you know, if you want to use your leaderly powers to shut us up sometimes, you can.”

“You’ve just given me a lot of power, Beomgyu-yah,” Soobin says, feeling lighter already, “are you sure about this?” 

“Ugh,” Beomgyu groans, “I guess it’d be better than the weird face you keep making every time.”

Soobin really needs to get a better handle on his facial expressions, if he’s this transparent. 

“Thanks,” Soobin says, knocking his shoulder into Beomgyu’s. 

Beomgyu makes a dismissive noise, but bumps Soobin’s shoulder right back.

-

Before he knows it, evening comes. The sun sets so early these days, and it’s dark by the time they get back to the dorm. Soobin chances a glance at Kai while Yeonjun enters the code to get in, and the way the moonlight cuts across his face makes his chest ache. 

He’s been thinking about it all day, but he still doesn’t know what he’s going to tell Kai tonight. _I don’t know what to do with myself around you anymore? I think I’m in love with you, and it scares me shitless?_

Not like he’d ever actually say that. He can hardly admit it to himself, much less form the words and watch them hang in the air. 

By the time everyone’s gone to bed, Soobin’s managed to tie his stomach up in knots. He hasn’t approached Kai, and Kai hasn’t approached him. He sits on his bed and considers. He doesn’t want Kai to always be the one coming to him. Their relationship has been marked by many things, but high on the list has always been reciprocity. They both seek each other out, they’ve both always liked each other. Things may be more complicated now, but that will never change. Soobin gets up and pads down the hallway. 

He stands in front of the maknaes’ room. He debates knocking, but decides that’s ridiculous, so he turns the knob and pushes the door open just enough to see Kai’s side of the room. He must have heard the door creak open, because he lifts his head from where it had been resting on his knees and stares. Soobin can barely make out his features in the darkness. 

Taehyun’s probably awake, so Soobin doesn’t say anything. Just tilts his head and takes a step back, knowing that Kai will know what he means. He hears a shuffle, and then Kai is right in front of him, sliding through the crack in the door and closing it behind him. On a normal night, Soobin would grab Kai’s wrist and drag him down the hallway while they both tried to muffle their laughter. Tonight there’s only silence, both of them keeping a careful distance.

The couch in the living room. It almost feels their couch, with the amount of times they’ve slept on and around it. Soobin blinks at the wooden floor and is transported to earlier this summer, when Kai laid out his blankets and plushies and looked so, so pleased when Soobin said he’d sleep with him. Soobin’s back protested as he laid on the hard wooden floor, but every time he looked over and saw Kai on his right, on his elbows smiling down at him, he felt like he was laying on clouds. 

It’s all Soobin can do to shake himself out of the memory and sit down on the couch. Kai gingerly sits down next to him, at least half a meter between them. 

The silence stretches. 

“So--” Soobin starts.

“Um--” Kai says, at the same time.

Awkward laughter. 

“You first,” Kai says, face already getting pink. There’s no reason for him to be this cute. He’s making Soobin’s life so difficult. 

“So,” Soobin starts again, “you’re probably wondering why I’ve been so…” _weird, horrible, a terrible leader and a worse friend_ , “off, lately, I guess.” 

Kai makes a noncommittal noise. God, Soobin’s so bad at this.

“When we were filming for Music Core,” Soobin says, “in the bathroom. I hope I didn’t--” _make you uncomfortable_ , he was going to say, or _make you do something you shouldn’t want--_

“I get it,” Kai says, not meeting his eyes, “we don’t have to talk about that.” A pause. “I just wish it didn’t have to change anything.”

“What do you mean?” Soobin asks.

A deep breath from Kai, and then the words come out in a rush:

“It’s fine if you don’t see me that way, hyung,” Kai says, “I know you think it’s gross--”

“Eh? Wha--”

“I know you just see me as a kid, still, even though I’m as tall as you now, and I can pick you up, and I know you think _that’s_ gross, too, but I can’t help my height and I can’t help the way I feel either--”

“Huening-ah, slow down,” Soobin says. Kai only rambles like this when he’s really nervous. It’s only because of years of practice that Soobin can understand him at all. 

“I just,” Kai says, face so pink and so pretty, “I’m sorry. You must really hate it to be avoiding me like this. I’ll do better.”

Soobin almost can’t believe that Kai’s misread the situation so completely. In a way, though, he’s giving Soobin an easy way out--Soobin could agree, say he’s sorry that he doesn’t see Kai that way, and try to go back to their relationship the way it was before. It’s almost too simple. 

But then he hears Taehyun’s voice in his head: _What will you regret the most?_ Kai is sitting here, heart in his open hands for the taking, looking flushed and sweet in the dim light. He thinks that Soobin is going to reject him, but he’s being honest anyway. Ever since their trainee days, he’s always admired Kai’s honesty. Just this once he wants to take some for himself. 

“I don’t hate it,” Soobin says quietly. He’s looking at Kai’s long fingers nervously twitching in his lap. “How could I hate it,” he adds, not really a question.

Kai makes a curious noise, and Soobin continues, heart pounding in his chest.

“I’m scared,” Soobin admits, a confession he’s never made to anyone else. “I haven’t even told anyone that I..” He chances a glance at Kai’s face. He’s watching him so intently, lips slightly parted, and it’s the openness of his expression that spurs Soobin on. “That I like boys,” he finishes, heart in his throat.

“You…” Kai takes a breath, looking a little lost. “But what about Arin?”

“What about her?”

“I guess I thought…the way you always react when the hyungs tease you about her. I guess I assumed they knew you liked her, and that’s why you would get so upset.” 

“No,” Soobin says, “she’s a good friend.”

Kai looks like he’s rearranging puzzle pieces in his head. He speaks again after a moment. 

“It’s probably obvious at this point, but. Me too. For the record.” Kai’s hair is still wet from the shower, and Soobin can’t stop his eyes from following a drop of water down the long line of his neck. He’s so bad at drying his hair. Whenever he comes and lays on Soobin’s pillow after showering, the damp spot lingers until morning. 

Soobin can’t do this anymore. He leans forward, lifts his right hand to run his fingers through the soft strands of Kai’s hair. He pushes the hair off his forehead, resting his hand on the back of Kais’ head. 

“I like when you wear your hair like this,” Soobin murmurs. “I don’t know why you get so shy about it.” 

Kai is visibly holding his breath. He looks like a statue, moonlight shining through the window making his skin look like it’s been carved from marble. 

Soobin knows they’re standing on a precipice. He knows Kai well enough that Kai won’t make the first move in a situation like this. Soobin thinks about fear, and he thinks about the future. It all feels so far away right now. He moves his face closer to Kai’s. 

“Are you sure?” Kai whispers. “Do you know what I’ve been trying to say?” 

“I know you,” Soobin whispers back. He presses their foreheads together. “Do you trust me?” 

“Of course I do,” Kai breathes into the space between their mouths. His breath smells like mint toothpaste. His eyes are so close, and so bright. Soobin’s last ounce of self-control snaps.

When Soobin finally leans forward to close the distance between them, it feels inevitable. They’ve been orbiting each other for so long. It was bound to happen. The first press of Kai’s lips against his feels like a revelation.

Kai was obviously expecting it, but he still takes a sharp inhale through his nose when Soobin kisses him. He’s clearly inexperienced. Soobin shouldn’t find it so charming. (Not that Soobin can brag about much more, awkward trainee fumblings aside.) He decides to take it upon himself to lead Kai in this, too.

Soobin tilts his head so that their mouths fit together easier. He hates to admit how often he’s thought about this, but Kai’s lips are even softer than he’s imagined. When he presses forward more insistently, Kai makes a quiet noise and scoots forward, so that their knees are touching. Soobin moves his hand from where it was holding Kai’s head and drags it down so that he’s cradling his jaw, thumb resting on Kai’s high cheekbone. Soobin suddenly needs to see Kai’s face immediately, or else he’ll die. 

He pulls back, and yeah, he’s imagined this, but nothing compares to the real thing. Kai has always gotten red easily, but seeing it in this context makes Soobin’s heart stop. His lips are redder than usual, too, and Soobin thinks through his daze, _I did that. That was me._ And crazily: _I don’t want it to ever be anyone else._

“Why did you stop?” Kai asks, and the breathless note to his voice has Soobin thinking things he definitely can’t afford to be thinking right now. 

“Am I not allowed to look at you?” Soobin says.

Soobin can tell Kai wasn’t expecting that. “You look at me every day,” he says. 

“Not like this,” Soobin says. “You look beautiful like this--”

Before Soobin can fully get the words out, Kai is rushing forward and pressing his lips to Soobin’s again. He’s too eager, and he miscalculates the angle, and their teeth clack together. 

“Ow,” Soobin says, laughing into Kai’s mouth, “that eager?”

“You can’t just say stuff like that,” Kai says, trying to reclaim his lips. 

“Oh, I’m not allowed? Would you prefer I call you cute? What about _baby_ \--”

Suddenly, Soobin gets the wind knocked out of him, his shoulder blades digging into the arm of the couch as Kai collapses onto his torso. He puts a hand on Soobin’s sternum for balance as he sits up. 

“Stop teasing,” Kai says, and wow, looking at Kai serious and flushed like this on top of him really isn’t helping the stirrings in his lower gut. His hair is still pushed back from Soobin’s hands, and his weight is warm and heavy on Soobin’s thighs.

Something about their positioning has brought a glint to Kai’s eyes, and when he leans down to capture Soobin’s mouth again, neither of them are laughing anymore. 

Kai might be slow in learning choreo, but he’s not slow in this. 

When Soobin opens his mouth a little to deepen their kiss, Kai follows. When Soobin uses his tongue to brush against Kai’s, Kai uses his to swipe Soobin’s lower lip. When Soobin lifts up his hands to wrap around Kai’s waist, Kai grips Soobin’s right hip hard enough to bruise. 

When Kai finally breaks away and ducks his head into Soobin’s neck to breathe, Soobin feels like his head is spinning. How did they get here so fast? How did Soobin’s self-control break so easily? And how could he ever get it back, with Kai’s warm breath puffing into the space under his jaw, his arms wrapped so perfectly around his waist?

“Hyung,” Kai says, still a little out of breath.

“Mm?” Soobin hums.

“I like you,” Kai whispers, “so much.” He makes an embarrassed noise. “Obviously,” he adds. “I just wanted to make sure I said it, in case…”

“In case?”

“In case this is the only opportunity I have,” Kai says. 

Soobin is quiet for a moment, all the thoughts and worries he had prior to Kai kissing him breathless coming back in a rush.

“I know you’re scared,” Kai says, quickly, “so am I. And if you don’t want this, for good, I mean, I’ll follow your lead, I don’t want to make things harder on you--”

He sounds so nervous. Soobin takes a deep breath.

“You’re worth more than my fear,” Soobin says. He cringes at how cliche he sounds, but he pushes forward when he hears Kai gasp. “I can’t say for certain how the future will turn out, or even if you won’t change your mind in a few months--” He can tell Kai is about to protest, so he raises his hand to stop him. “Regardless,” Soobin says, “I’ve made up my mind.” Soobin wants to believe himself so badly, so he does. 

“I made up my mind about you a long time ago,” Kai says. “Before I realized it, even. I think I always knew, in the back of my mind somewhere.” 

“How romantic,” Soobin says, trying to lighten the mood. 

“I think you’ll find that I can be very romantic,” Kai says, and that’s a new expression on his face. 

“Yeah? You gonna show me?” Soobin says.

“Eventually,” Kai says, “We have time, don’t we?”

Soobin looks out the window, at the moon. At the dark stillness of the dorm. At the boy he loves still sitting in his lap.

“I think we do,” Soobin says, heart in his eyes, dragging Kai down again and again.

**Author's Note:**

> and that's a wrap! for now at least...canonverse sookai has me by the throat and i haven't been able to think about anything else for weeks...
> 
> comments are greatly appreciated, this is my first fic i've ever wanted to publish and i am a little nervous u__u
> 
> (now with a [continuation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120929)!)


End file.
